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| The Trash Can |
| "SIGN" OFF! by Mrs Ruby La Roo |
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| Well hello guys and dolls! Pull up a seat, pour yourself a drinky-poo, and make your little selves comfy. Welcome to the very first viewing of Ruby La Roo’s Trash Can Review. (OH! it rhymes; I love that.) I’m Ruby La Roo, and in case you are wondering – no, we will not be looking at dancing dustbins. Instead, I will be entertaining you with reviews of some of the smelliest bits of celluloid to stink up the big screen. You know the ones I mean, those horrid wastes of time and cash who only got made in the first place because someone was either sleeping with or related to somebody. (In some cases both – OH! the dirt I could dish if it weren’t for the gag order.) |
| But enough chatting. The film I am about to rip to shreds OH! I mean discuss impartially is 'Signs' Touchstone Pictures, 2002, directed by M. Night Shyamalan (I love that man’s name, don’t you?) He directed that wonderful movie The Sixth Sense OH! brilliant, saw it a dozen times. So what he was thinking when he did this I can NOT imagine. |
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| Now normally any film that has Mel Gibson and his butt in it gets rave reviews from me. Add that yummy Joaquin Phoenix and honey I don’t care if they’re reading the phone book, I’ll watch it. But even they didn’t make surviving this barker worthwhile. Mel Gibson plays Graham Hess, an ex-priest who gave up God when his wife was killed in an accident. Uh, correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t Catholic priests forbidden from doing the ‘family’ thing? Joaquin Phoenix plays Merrill Hess, his brother, who lives in the guest house and plays nanny to his brother’s kids. Why? We don’t know. Apparently he used to strike out a lot in baseball and it scarred him for life. Rory Culkin and Abigail Breslin play the kids, Morgan and Bo Hess. Morgan hates his dad. Why? We don’t know, maybe for having nothing to do with his mother’s death. Bo has a thing about her drinking water. Why? Probably because nearly every time she opens her mouth she’s ignored and this is the only way she can get attention. Oh and it’s also a vital piece of foreshadowing. So’s the fact that Merrill used to strike out a lot because he swung his bat too hard. (That last line sounds a lot ruder than it actually is OH! get your mind out of the gutter, honey, and come join me in the sewer.) |
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| So it starts out good. Frightened kids find a crop circle in the family corn field, pet German Shepherd goes mental and needs to be destroyed, all good stuff film-wise. And honey, that’s as good as it gets. For most of the flick we are treated to frightened locals in the little town where the Hess family lives watching news reports about crop circles and telling us how scary it is… or rather is supposed to be. Sweetie, I’m all grown up now, I haven’t needed my plot devices spoon fed to me in a long time. Anyway, Graham Hess gets a sudden urge to go visit Ray Reddy, who is not only the local vet, he’s the guy who fell asleep at the wheel and creamed Hess’ wife. Cameo appearance! Reddy is played by none other than M. Night Shyamalan. Fine, so he’s not only a director, he’s hot too. (Unfortunately not hot enough to save this movie.) When Hess finds him, he’s getting ready to leave town. Why? Well guilt over mashing another human being isn’t enough, he has to wait until he traps an alien in his pantry. Then he decides to leave. He’s going to go live by the lake. Why? Foreshadowing of course. Aliens never go to lakes. (I was just talking about that the other day, weren’t you?) So Hess forgives Reddy, Reddy splits, and Hess goes to look at the alien in the vet’s pantry. (Not me, sweetie, if I want to see aliens I’ll pull out my family album.) So why is this alien stuck in the pantry? They’ve mastered intergalactic travel but they don’t have anything that can bust down a wooden door? No of course not; they’ve left all the big nasty weapons on their ship because they’re afraid that if they shoot, we’ll shoot back. Oh cut me a break, they’re here to invade! Who goes to an invasion naked? Okay don’t answer that OH! you’ve got a naughty mind. Eventually more aliens show up, not that we get to see them. The Hess family take refuge in the old coal cellar under the house during the invasion, where we hear a lot of snarling and scratching and absolutely nothing happens. Except Morgan has a near-fatal asthma attack. Following a night of terribly suspenseful NOTHING, the aliens leave after folks in the Middle East do something they didn’t like. (Probably showed them the out-takes of this film.) Life is all peachy, and Hess finds God again. (Seems he was in the bathroom the whole time.) |
| As far as I’m concerned, this film uses up vital time that could be better spent washing your undies, painting your toe nails, or picking your nose. I’ve seen snail races that were more suspenseful. If all you want to do is drool over Mel, get yourself a copy of The Road Warrior or Lethal Weapon. If you really really REALLY must have SOMETHING to watch, sweetie, get a fish tank. Staring at a hoard of guppies for two hours will definitely be more interesting and suspenseful. |