 |
 |
 |
 |
| "Dear uncle Bilbo" by The Magic Rat |
| * * * "Dear Uncle Bilbo… Greetings. I hope this letter finds you well. Actually I just hope this letter finds you. I have no idea where I am and I’m freezing my butt off sitting between two rocks with a pack of crazy people. I appreciate the diligent notes you and Professor Tolkien are keeping, and thank you both for making us look brave and heroic and noble. However the truth of the matter is the further I travel from the Shire, the more I am convinced Middle Earth is inhabited by loons. I don’t think I need tell you that adventures make good reading, but life on the road is dull, and you tend to get on one another’s nerves. Merry and Pippin got up to some game where Pippin had to run about and touch a certain number of stumps with Merry timing him, except Merry kept forgetting to keep time. Then Pippin began yelling something about his foot, and Boromir finally stood up and told the both of him where he’d put *his* foot if they didn’t bloody settle down. So that ended that game. Desperate for entertainment of any sort, Legolas, Merry, Pippin and I got together and began playing some music by that new group of minstrels, ‘Placebo of Gondor’. We were having a lot of fun, but I guess we were rather loud because Gandalf came over and told us if we didn’t shut up he’d beat us to death with his knighthood. I have no idea what he was talking about, but since he is bigger than me I complied. I think he was sick of traveling too. The other night he got into the miruvor and whispered something to Legolas. No idea what he said but the Elf slapped him. He came with us as far as Moria, but when he saw who the band playing in Balin’s Hall was he said “Ah screw it,” and walked away. I do not know how that will look in Mr. Tolkien’s book; perhaps he can improvise something. Aragorn is still getting on my nerves. Oh he’s a great guy and I really am very fond of him. However his constant scribbling of poems and endless complaints about composition and colour are grating. Then there is his fondness for curried fish. I needn’t explain to you the effect that has on party morale. We were forced to leave Moria after they caught Legolas free-climbing up the pillars. Honestly, that Elf is bonkers. I think perhaps living a few thousand years has affected his mind, as there seems to be nothing he will not climb up, leap off of, or dive into. He buggered off for two days, and we finally found him in a sleazy tattoo parlor in a back alley in Lothlorien. I don’t suppose Mr. Tolkien will want to mention that. I like Lothlorien, but again I must state my opinion that immortality makes Elves loonier than a bag of ferrets. I distinctly heard Haldir say something about Boromir in leather pants, and his brother Rumil slapped him upside the head. I later walked in on the two of them, and I swear Haldir was attempting to shove Rumil down the loo. They said something about ancient Elven bonding rituals, but it didn’t look any too friendly to me. The good news is the Dwarf and Elf have finally stopped trying to do each other in, which makes things a little more peaceful. I have learned more insults and curses in languages that I don’t speak than I think is common for one of our folk. Still, I am looking forward to getting back to the Green Dragon and trying them out on the Gaffer. Legolas is trying to get Gimli interested in something called white water kayaking. They tried it out after we left Lothlorien, but when Legolas began making for the Falls of Rauros at top speed, Gimli began shrieking his head off for him to stop. A pack of Orc deserters managed to keep the both of them from going over. Gimli was happy, but Legolas was screaming they were all a bunch of buzz-kills. The Orcs were a good bunch; hung out with us for a while, even gave us tickets to go see the All Blacks, who I gather are Sauron’s favorite rugby team. They said they were going North, and Boromir went with them; he said something about missing being flogged with something sharp. I could be mistaken about that last remark; Legolas and I were playing music rather loudly. Hopefully Mr. Tolkien will find a way to make his departure sound a little more heroic. Well I must sign off now, there’s a party meeting going on. I will send you another letter the first chance I get, and will be home as soon as I can. All my love, Frodo." (c) The Magic Rat 2003 |
| Lord of the Rings fan fiction Humour, rating PG, no warnings. Disclaimer: copyright for Lord of the Rings and all its characters is with Tolkien's estate. No copyright infringment is intended. Copyright for this story is with the author. Frodo tells Bilbo about life on the road... |
 |
|
|