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| "Dude - where is my plot?" "The Matrix Revolutions" The Review by Chris Zeller |
| Once upon a time, I saw a movie called "The Matrix", and was completely captivated by it. Call me a fan. I have spent nights trying to explain to the unbelievers out there the fascination of this movie. And now, after seeing "The Matrix Revolutions", I have only one wish: I want the Wachowski Brothers explain to me and the guy who actually fell asleep halfway through "The Matrix Revolutions" what exactly they were thinking of when they made this movie. I mean - beside their bank account and royalties on merchandise. As a journalist, I am supposed to write a review, but as a fan, I feel insulted, so you get a rant. So sue me, Dorothy! A commercial was shown for a new flea powder before "The Matrix Revolutions", featuring a Retriever and a Chihuahua, and little did I know that this would be the most entertaining part of the evening. No plot in sight, even if you looked for it with binoculars. Dialogues which made the conversations in "Home and Away" look like Shakespeare. And no, tons of BANG! TWOING! TAKKATAKKA! and painfully stretched out battle-scenes do NOT make up for the total lack of inspiration and creativity. Not even Keanu Reeves and Hugo Weaving in wet shirts make up for it. Just - not. "The Matrix Revolutions" is a PC game which made it onto the big screen. It's one big sale show for Matrix DVD, PC game, soundtrack, collectable mugs, autographs, toilet roll holders and Agent-Smith-Sunglasses. It's a showcase for the possibilities and limits of SFX and CGI. It's a warning example of what can happen to inspired cinema when commercial interests win over artist's integrity. But it's not a movie. I did not expect Hamlet when I went to see "Revolutions". But I expected at least some kind of acting. Alas, there's an amazing lack of this, so I wonder why they casted actors at all - they could have created a "Neo" on the computer; nobody would have noticed the difference. Keanu Reeves ("Neo") was once again reduced to being an ornamental part of the set; in fact, he does little more than look worried and handsome, and competes with Laurence Fishburne ("Morpheus") for the Pinocchio-Award for Most Wooden Acting. We also see the return of the Merovingian (Lambert Wilson), and I still suspect this character is part of a conspiracy to make France look bad. His wife Persephone (Monica Bellucci) features squeezed into a red patent leather bodice, and what her purpose is, only the gods may know. There is a lot of latex and patent leather in this movie, by the way, so chances are that "Revolutions" will become a major hit among the latex fetish community - it's "kink" rather than "kick". Then there is Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) - the little we get to see of him is among the best bits in "Revolutions", and as we all know, a great villain can carry a lame movie - so why is he not used here?!? A little more Smith, and a little less new-age-babble and Oracle, and the movie could have been bearable. And while we are sorry to report the death of Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss), we can't help but point out that you do NOT hold a minute long "I am so grateful I lived to tell you how much I love you" monologue when you are pierced through all vital parts with six or seven iron spikes the width of my arm. You just don't. You die. It's not pretty, it's messy, but it's the way things are. People were laughing during this scene, and I was cringing on behalf of the actress. And I was cringing on behalf of myself when Neo, the Jesus clone, "died", in a meaningful pose as the crucified saviour of the cyber age, and The Source (in the form of a giant machine head - Gilliam's "Munchhausen", anybody?) spoke the words "It is done" - very close to the last words of Jesus on the cross. What was the message here - "Hallelujah! The movie is over?" No. First we have to suffer through a Technicolor-Sunset of the Disney-variety, and The Oracle confirms our worst fears: Neo is not dead. He might come back. Somewhere, out there, is a script lying in a drawer, just waiting to be pulled out and turned into "Matrix: The Rip Off" - may Agent Smith help us. Summary: as a fan, I am deeply disappointed. Yes, the SFX and the CGI are impressive, but it takes more than this to make a movie. I don't know when I will forgive the Wachowski Brothers for ruining The Matrix for me - maybe around Christmas 2034. Earliest. |
| Rating: 1 1/2 out of 5 (1 for the special effects, and 1/2 for Hugo Weaving) |
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| "I feel your pain - my reaction was the same when I read the script." |
| "Oh my god - it's a movie critic! Ignore her, maybe she will go away..." |
| "I HATE COOKIES!" |
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