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RUBY LA ROO SLAYS
"LORD OF THE RINGS"
No. Not that one, silly. This one: 1978 Republic Pictures –
Directed by Ralph Bakshi, produced by Saul Zaentz.
OH I am SO glad to be back! Sorry I wasn’t in the last issue of Pink Khaki, but I was visiting a friend in South America and OH do they have some hot fellahs down there! Anyway I got busy with this tasty delight, lovely man, very nice. Forget his name.

BUT I am back, and here to sink my fake nails into another slimy celluloid stinker, and, given the theme of this issue, what other film could I possibly trash but; The Lord of the Rings.

No I don’t mean Peter Jackson’s masterpiece, with that HOT Craig Parker in the cute little Elf ears OH I have the Helm’s Deep scene permanently in my DVD player. Yoohoo, Craig! If you ever want to die in my arms sweetie, just give me a call! My picture is at the top of the article; Makka did a LOVELY drawing of me, such a sweet boy. I look ten years younger in it.

Not that PJ’s version is perfect; I would VERY much like to know how that tramp Mitzi got the part of playing Lord Elrond. OH the tales I could tell about her! Of course I was in ‘Pricilla Queen of the Desert’ too, but somehow she got all my scenes cut. Granted she makes a decent looking Elf, but if I EVER see that cheap sidewalk hostess again it will be wigs and falsies at 50 paces!

Oh speaking of Ralph; the version of Lord of the Rings I am trashing is that dreadful 1978 rotoscope horror directed by Ralph Bakshi. You know what rotoscoping is, don’t you kiddies? It’s when you film real actors, then paint over them to get a fluid and realistic looking piece of animation. Very popular back in the days when cartoons were in black and white and Betty Boop uttered her first boop-boop-de-boop. I have nothing against it, and in the case of SOME scene-stealing tramps who shall remain Mitzi I would even recommend a good coat of paint. OH the bedrooms and hallways SHE'S been in, I could go on but I was taught to respect my elders.

But my GAWD, paint or don’t! Half this film is rotoscoped, and the other half is tinted like a 19th century photograph! Make up your MIND! It’s not only distracting from the film, it’s tacky. And that beginning scene with Sauron slaying the Elves, could the acting BE any more lame? OH look at me I’m stabbed, I’m dying.

You and me both sweetie.

Then there’s Strider of the 43 names and then some. Oh Viggo, Viggo, how do I love thee, let me count the ways! Then there’s THIS painted drip OH let’s start with the clothes my GAWD the mini dress and go-go boots just SO do not go with that build honey, you look like Tarzan doing a little cross dressing in Jane’s clothes. Then there’s the face. Aragorn was supposed to be scruffy. SCRUFFY! Not frighteningly ugly!

And what the heck is up with Sam’s nose? Or UP Sam’s nose? At no point in the book do I recall Sammy having a honker big enough to hide a Dwarf in!

Credit where credit is due; the Ringwraiths in the scene on Weather Top were reasonably creepy. And both Mr. Bakshi and Mr. Jackson have my UNDYING gratitude for leaving Tom Bombadil out of BOTH versions. But what exactly do either of you have against Glorfindel? In Bakshi’s version, Legolas shows up. In Jackson’s it’s Arwen. It was Glorfindel who showed up to take the party to Imladris; G-L-O-R-F-I-N-D-E-L!!! Okay I’m not crazy about his name either, and from what I’ve learned in the Silmarillion he’s a bit of a loon with a thing for bright colours. But who do you want with you when all Mordor is closing in; Liv Tyler or an Elf who kills Balrogs?

Okay all of you who said Liv Tyler can leave.

Come to think of it, why didn’t they send Glorfindel along on the quest in the first place? And why is Imladris drawn to look like a shack? Elves do NOT live in shacks, though I know some fairies in cheap apartments.

Oh and while I’m bitching (and frankly when aren’t I) I would like to point out that the name of the head of Gandalf’s order is Saruman. Why are they constantly switching between calling him ‘Saruman’ and ‘Aruman’. It’s ANNOYING, people!

And what is up with Boromir in that TACKY Viking garb? OH he and Aragorn should go into the bad mini-skirt business, but honey I won’t be a customer. And Elrond is an ugly, ugly Elf. And I’m not just saying that because of that tramp Mitzi. But really, he’s half Elvish, he’s supposed to have grace and dignity. They’ve got him plonked in an ugly chair in a stance that would make a trucker proud. In fact all of Bakshi’s Elves seem to have been from the low-end of the gene pool. Then there’s Legolas’ hair cut. I’m sorry, but even in the 1970’s Elves did not have feathered hair. It’s just WRONG.

Then there’s the Balrog. Okay, I can see why Glorfindel would not want to take this beast on, because Elves are gentle hearted and he wouldn’t have the heart to slay something this LAME. Frankly it’s a guy in big hairy boots, a lion mask, big flappy wings and a mini skirt he seems to have purchased from B&A’s Ugly Miniskirt Emporium. The whole animated cast needs to go to an SCA event and get some clothes, or at least a con.

Sigh… oh Sean Bean, you left the Fellowship too soon. You portrayed the suffering and eventual possession of Boromir by the Ring with such poignancy and brilliance I could just kiss you. And I would if you would stop screaming for security.

In Bakshi’s version, the possession of Boromir comes almost as an after-thought, more like a fit of pique than possession. And here is where something truly MARVELOUS happens, kiddies! This is where we notice that the production is running out of money to pay the animators!! The rotoscoping is quickly becoming more and more the tinting of bored actors in bad costumes, and have I mentioned Legolas’ haircut? OH honey kill that thing! Or at least loan some to Gimli, he’s BALD! Who ever heard of a BALD DWARF? Okay there was that incident between me, a midget wrestler and a bottle of Nair we thought was body oil, but other than that…!

Oh but just let me say the Orcs are hilarious.

Then there is the fab slo-mo scenes of Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas running after the Orcs OH the seventies have a lot to answer for! Granted we were all stoned at the time, but now that we’ve sobered up those of us with some memory left ought to be ashamed of ourselves.

And WHY does Treebeard look like a giant stalk of celery?

It took me a long time to figure out just WHY I hate this version so much, and I finally have it. It is rushed, and it is passionless. Peter Jackson had the right idea; to film slowly, with care, and one book at a time. He did not try to jam all three book and dozens of characters and situations into one two hour film.

Bakshi’s version races through the books, skipping vital build-up and foreshadowing at an exhausting and confusing pace. The insult to Professor Tolkien’s masterwork is further expounded with bad and sparse animation, acting worthy of any B grade sandal-flapper, and the total disregard for the richness of the world of Middle Earth. It is completed by the fact that the film he released is not even finished.

Bakshi’s Middle Earth is gutted and empty. Like a cheap tour through a city, we see the façade, but not the heart. There is no insight into the larger forces at work, such as Saruman’s creation of an army, Boromir’s obsession and pressure from his father, and the determined resistance of Faramir and Eomer against the encroachment of Sauron’s minions. There is no description of even the little things, such as Legolas’ and Gimli’s journey from animosity to close friendship, Aragorn’s quiet humor, and Bilbo’s cheeky song about Gil-galad in Elrond’s hall. All Tolkien’s beautifully living characters are reduced to one-word stereotypes, and his world to so much passing scenery.

It’s cheap, it’s tacky, and it’s shameful. If you want to see Middle Earth read the book, buy a ticket to New Zealand, or snuggle up with your favorite person and watch Peter Jackson’s version. But honey, don't waste your time on this puppy; it bites.