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So, you think Ed Wood's "Plan 9 from Outta Space" was the worst science fiction has to offer? Oh, you could be wrong there! This honor should go to Fred Olen Ray's "masterpiece" THE PHANTOM EMPIRE. Seriously - it's even worse than "Battlefield Earth" (yes. It can be done.) You could scare Goa'uld with this, no kiddin'.

But let's read what the maker's gotta say first:

"Phantom Empire is suspense.

A funfilled look into a lost world of adventure. It is the search for the legendary land of R'Lyia, set deep underground where the cannibalistic mutants, the Dreggs, live on a race of cave girls. When Denea (Susan Stokey), whose archaeologist father died searching in vain for R'Lyia, discovers the horribly mutilated victim of a Dregg, the adventure begins.

Comandeering help from anyone willing to give it, Denea and Cort (Ross Hagen) set out to rid the earth of this vile mutant race for once and for all."

If you want a story which consists of more plot holes than a Swiss Emmenthaler cheese, a female archaeologist who explores a cave in high heels, a roboter built out of a trashcan, a female villain which appears for no other reason than showing gazookas the size of water melons, girls with more hairspray than textiles, the worst special SFX since Ed Wood's hubcap UFO's plus horror ("Herbert West - Re-Animator") and sci-fi (ST: DS9, ST Enterprise) legend Jeffrey Combs in jeans four sizes to small, then you will possible not be able to live without this flick here any longer. It starts as a mystery movie, changes into fantasy, has a short brush-up with Godzilla, takes a bee-line to sci-fi and all this with wooden acting qualifying the whole cast for this years Pinocchio award, cheesiest of cheesy sets and a script which can't have had more than four pages.

It's a movie you must have seen at least once. It's so bad, it's almost a masterpiece.

But to come to Jeffrey Comb's rescue, who I really like a lot and who's a great artist: this movie was shot within one week (final cut and everything included). Olen was a neighbour of his, and hey, we all have to pay our bills. If you should ever have the pleasure to meet the Jeffster at a convention, ask him for this movie. You'll get to hear either a "ewwww" or a "my god" or "who paid you to ask this!"

(Or ask Jay Acavone for "Dr. Mordrid" - same result!).